Each year when we gather together on this most sacred night of the year, I find myself thinking about my relationship with God, with my Judaism, with the Congregation, with my family, friends and colleagues and even my relationship with myself. This is a night for contemplation. Yom Kippur is after all the Day of Atonement, but what does that mean? There is a cutesy, but useful breakdown of the word; it is the day of At-One-Ment, the day we seek to return (Teshuvah) to God, but also to find harmony in our other relationships as well. Or in the words of Sensei Miyagi from The Karate Kid, “Balance, Daniel-san, must have balance; balance in karate, balance in life.” In order to find balance and harmony, to be at one w/God and our fellow; we need to repair what we broke, seek forgiveness and grant forgiveness.

I’ve spent the last 40 days reflecting on the year past as tradition prescribes, what I’ve done right and what I’ve done wrong. I'm not big on playing the what-if game, I figure what’s done is done and can’t be undone; unfortunately, life does not come with an “undo” key. Hopefully, we can learn from our mistakes and if we are lucky and persistent we can try and repair what we got wrong. After all Yom Kippur is about forgiveness, we want to be forgiven by God for our sins; so we best be prepared to seek forgiveness from others and grant it as well.

Our tradition and our texts are replete with bad choices, mistakes and errors that can serve as models for us, so let’s take a look at some of them. We can start with the first people in the Torah – Adam & Eve – God gives them the Garden of Eden and tells them that all the fruit of the Garden is theirs to be eaten except for the fruit from the Trees of Knowledge and Life. We all know the story, they eat from the Tree of Knowledge, but what is significant for us what happens when God confronts them – they play the blame game – Adam blames God and Eve “The woman You put at my side – she gave me of the tree and I ate.” (Gen. 3:12) Eve for her part blames the serpent, “The serpent duped me and I ate.” (Gen. 3:13) It does not end well for them; God banishes them from the Garden. Blame is clearly not the way back to God or to repair a relationship.

We next encounter their sons Cain and Able, Cain kills Able and when God asks him what happened, he replied, “I do not know.   Am I my brother’s keeper?” Not blame this time, but denial; things do not end well for Cain either; he is also ends up in exile. If we move forward in time we come to Jacob and Esau, another relationship in need of repair. As you may recall Jacob tricks their father into giving him Esau’s blessing. Once given it cannot be revoked. Esau is mad enough to kill Jacob, so he leaves town and doesn’t come back for 20 years. Upon his return he doesn’t know what to expect – has Esau forgiven him? Does he still bear a grudge? Jacob sends gifts to Esau as a sign of reconciliation, then Jacob divides his household into two camps just in case their reception is not friendly, perhaps one group will escape. When they meet, “Esau ran to greet him. He embraced him and falling on his neck, he kissed him; and they wept.” (Gen. 33:4) It seems that Esau has forgiven Jacob for his youthful deception, but alas, Jacob has not forgiven himself. He declines Esau’s offer to travel together or even to provide guards to protect him. Jacob says to his brother, you go on home and I’ll come along more slowly with all my belongings. When Esau agrees and heads home, Jacob changes course and does not follow. There is no longer enmity between them, but neither is there reconciliation, for that to happen both parties have to be prepared to work on repairing the relationship. They each go their separate ways and live their independent lives.

Jacob’s sons don’t start off very well either. Joseph inspires such enmity in his brothers that they plot to kill him, but in the end choose to sell him into slavery – talk about brothers not getting along! The Joseph story is also well known, he ends up as vizier of Egypt and his brothers come to him for food during the famine. Joseph tests his brothers to see if they have changed and discovers that they have at which point he forgives them for their crime against him and invites them to come live with him in Egypt during the famine. They accept.   And then go back to Israel to get the rest of the family. At that point we read in the text, “As he sent his brothers off on their way, he told them, ‘Do not be quarrelsome on the way.’” The comment in Etz Hayim reads, “Do not enter into recriminations over who said “Kill him” and who said “Sell him.” The past is the past and cannot be undone, and all we have to live with each other.” (p. 279) There is an understanding that reconciliation is about working together in the present not reliving the past. We see true reconciliation take place in that both sides want to make the relationship work and so everyone tries to move on from the hurts of the past. Joseph forgives his brothers and they forgive themselves for what they did, you need both parts of the equation for it to work.

We see mistakes made and forgiveness granted in the Torah in the episode of the spies as well. Moshe sends 12 spies to scout the land of Israel; two give a positive report while 10 give a negative report. The people choose to follow the advice of the majority and complain that they should return to Egypt that a life of slavery was preferable to death trying to conquer the Promised Land. “And the Lord said to Moses, ‘How long will this people spurn Me, and how long will they have no faith in Me despite all the signs, that I have performed in their midst?’” (Num. 14:11) Moshe apologizes on behalf of the people and begs God for forgiveness which is granted. “And the Lord said, ‘I pardon, as you have asked.’” (Num. 14:20)

If we turn our attention to the liturgy of the day, we see that it is replete with petitions for forgiveness. Immediately after we recited the Kol Nidre prayer, three Biblical lines were recited – “May forgiveness be granted to the whole congregation of Israel” (Num. 15:26); “In Your unbounded mercy, forgive the sin of this people” (Num 14:19); and “I have pardoned them as you have asked.” The line I quoted above. We come before God ashamed of our sins; we confess our shortcomings and ask the God of Forgiveness to forgive us. But forgiveness doesn’t just happen. Maimonides gives us four basic steps necessary for Teshuvah, Repentance, to take place that need to be followed in order for forgiveness to be earned.

Step 1 – You have to stop doing whatever it is that you were doing that was wrong. You have to stop hurting someone or in the language of the day, you have to stop sinning. In order to do this you have to recognize that your actions were wrong, hurtful or sinful. You cannot fix a problem until you see it as a problem.

Step 2 – Remorse, you have to have a feeling of regret, otherwise nothing will change. You have to evaluate the damage done. It is not enough to stop; you have to feel bad that you were doing it.

Step 3 - Confession – One must verbally confess, you have to state that you were wrong, that you are sorry and that you will not do it again. Confession has two different forms one personal and one communal. The personal is said to the person whom you have hurt or wronged; the communal we will do through the many prayers we recite on Yom Kippur.

Step 4 – Is a commitment to the future that you will not do it again. You can’t say, I’m sorry for having done something that you are then going to do again. You have to be sincere about it. In the case of a wrong committed against another person you must make restitution, to return what you took, to try as best you can to undo the wrong done. It may be that this cannot be done, but either way you must seek reconciliation; there can be no forgiveness without these steps of teshuvah.

In the Vidui – the Ashamnu Confessional we strike our heart in contrition as we recite an alphabetical litany of sins committed not by us personally, but by us collectively as a people; someone has trespassed, someone has dealt treacherously and someone has led others astray. We are a communal people; this is not an easy concept to wrap your head around in a country that is so strongly based on individual rights and responsibilities. The other famous Yom Kippur confessional is the Al Het, another listing of communal sins recited in the plural; some are actions, some are verbal and some are thoughts. We confess for things done intentionally and unintentionally – we can do the wrong thing without meaning to, but we still have to repent and atone for it. The refrain in the Al Het is “For all these sins, O God of forgiveness, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.”

All of the prayers of Yom Kippur only bring atonement for sins between you and God. If I violate Shabbat that is between me and God, no one else. If I eat something non-kosher, that is between me and God, no one else. If I go through the step of teshuvah, then my prayers will be accepted and I will be forgiven for my sins. However, if I have wronged someone, then I can recite all the prayers in the world and it won’t help, atonement can only be found through trying to reconcile with them. But reconciliation is a two way street, like Esau you may be prepared to forgive the one who wronged you, but they may not be ready to forgive themselves; or you may go through all the step of teshuvah only to have the person tell you that they are not prepared to forgive you. Tradition teaches that you are obligated to go back to them three times to ask for their forgiveness, if they continue to refuse, you are absolved of your sin knowing that you have done everything in your power to resolve the issue.

The steps of teshuvah are rather simple, but not easy to do. It is not easy to take responsibility for our actions in the face of criticism or hostility. It is not so easy to stand before someone and say I was wrong, I’m sorry. Too often we let opportunities slip by because we can’t get ourselves to do what we know we ought to do, what we need to do to make things better, to make things right. And so we let hostilities fester, we let relationships languish all because we don’t take the proper steps. Tomorrow we will recite Yizkor for all our loved ones who have died; it reminds us of the fragility of life. How often does it happen that we are angry with a loved one, we want to reconcile, but before we can, they die; leaving us feeling helpless, frustrated, upset at the lack of resolution. You can find a posthumous resolution, but it is much easier to do while they are still around and it is so much more satisfying to then have time together after the reconciliation. Take a moment to think of someone important to you whom you feel a need for reconciliation. Close your eyes – picture them in your mind. Think about what it is that you want to say to them. Now say it to them. How do you hope they will react? Have them react that way in your mind. Feel the relief that comes from getting this off your chest. Think about all the ways this relationship can be better and what it would mean for your life. In our tradition, it is never too late.   When is the right time to repent? The rabbis say on the day before your death. Since we don’t know the day of our death we should treat every day as our last and constantly repent for that which we do wrong. As they say, today is the first day of the rest of your life – make the most of it! You only live once, so don’t waste it, embrace it!